I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
