I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
