Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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