He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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