I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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