our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
