I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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