Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
