This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
