A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
