I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize