I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
