I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
