dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
