He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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