She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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