We're like a lot better than the average bears
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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