I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
