I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
