You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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