I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
