She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
