You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
