So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
