My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
