My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
