Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
