It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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