made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
