she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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