What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
