Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
even my farts smell like vagina
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize