she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
