the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
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