Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
