five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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