Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
