your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
