Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
