we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
