You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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