Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize