I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
