1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
why do cheetos always look like penises
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
