Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
