i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
