when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
