Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize