How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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