I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
