I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
