I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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