and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
