I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
