apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
