i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
