Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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