I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
