a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
